Damn… i hate this day… new year is almost there and dito ako sa office dealing with boredom! My friends texted me kanina and asked me out but i can’t coz i have to go here. Tapos pagdating ko dito i found out that i will be in the mornig shift… haaay… and then i’m left here alone in the office doing nothing at all!
Isn’t this a good way of saying goodbye to this year… damn… i am so annoyed, pissed off, rrrrrrrrr… basta!
My life is a chaos,
it has so many battles inside,
so many quarrels to hide,
and it took me so many years to fight.
My heart has been hurting,
brought by the wounds of war,
the lingering pain that tortures my soul
has kept me upright,
and yet feeble inside.
My defense for every warfare
is to forget…
to liberate myself from all the pain
that i’ve endured and been fighting with
to pretend…
to act as if the life i dealt with
is full of joy and not with anguish
this is the battle I go to…
bitterness against gaiethy,
sins against forgiveness,
peace against hostility,
pain against love.
My life is a chaos,
it has so many battles inside.
every warfare I face,
is a piece of death I endure.
** written last March 03,2005
today while i was cleaning my room i saw this book full of poems… actually those were my compositions… i compiled the thoughts that i had and made a book out of it….
wala lng funny… how it lightened up my day. I clearly saw my self a few years back… and it did make me feel good.
some of the poems i’ll be writing here for you to see…
It is only midnight,
but sleep has already bid me goodbye
the time has come…
it’s been a year…
a year of shadow and emptiness.
I embrace this day,
for this day I triumphed,
over the battle that seems endless.
the battle of pain over happiness,
the battle I had been through
from the moment I lost you.
It’s been a year…
since the monster has left me,
encased me in this crystal,
secluded from the bliss of life.
but i was able to breakout,
set my soul free,
but my heart is still holding on to you.
You were the monster,
that captured my life,
jailed it inside your heart,
and left it fragile,
and helplessly breathing.
But now it’s been a year…
I slowly rise from my deathbed,
stronger and will not break,
with a single gust of wind.
my soul will not fall,
but my heart has already fallen.
I have won the battle of pain.
but the warfare of love has still kept me in
and only one solitary thought
has kept me breating…
that is kissing the monster
which made my soul,
never quit smiling.
Today is the death anniversary,
of the lingering pain.
the anniversary of us breaking apart.
the anniversary of me breaking out.
breaking out of this solitude,
breaking out of this agony,
breaking out of the darkness.
the anniversary of me finding…
the light of love…
from a MONSTER!
***written 09/21/03 =(
Well what a day… thank God i survive each day of my life… safe and free from illness. I thank God for the Christmas I’ve spent with my family and my choirmates… it’s fun to see old faces… and it’s nice to find out that some of the people who judged you realized that they made the wrong decision.
I thank God coz no matter how ordinary my Christmas was, still i’m alive and He gave me this privelege to breathe up to this very minute that I"m writing this blog.
Somehow I gave up on searching and wanting someone who can fill the emptiness. I learned to thank the "ordinary" days I was given… bcoz during these days we can see the beauty of life, we learn from the mistakes and the people we deal with.
While writing this song I’m playing "Someone to watch over me" I guess for now i shouldn’t rush God’s plans… He’s the one who watches me… eventually He’ll give the fulfillment I want.
At some point, my life will be extraordinary… but for now my ordinary days are alright,
because ordinary problems are easier to solve, ordinary tasks are easier to accomplish and an ordinary life is better than not living at all.
Since i was trying to struggle, of course it is not that easy. I’ve had cuts and bruises w/c i know for sure will leave a scar. But who cares about those scars anyway, it’s a sign that time has made me tough.
Tough as it is, that’s what i’m trying to be. Don’t try to settle for anything less… Good thing i have an angel to absorb all the negativity in me.
Empty, that’s what i maybe this cold christmas morn but i know God never forsakens those who plead… He may have made me incomplete today, but I know that is for me to fulfill myself through His grace.
Tonight is christmas eve, and for the past few days I never felt that Christmas is around the corner, well I guess because the drama queen in me is tryin to be in a melodramatic mode… you know… those gloomy and drizzling moments plus cold nights and a very sentimental background song.
But this morning, while I sit here at my desk, I looked outside and witnessed the beauty of a foggy morning. Then I realized… yes I may be feeling empty but He never left my side… he even sent me an angel… my shock absorber!
I may be incomplete… but with Him I know I’ll find my better half, this may not be the time for me to be complete. Good Lord forgive me, if somehow I thought I was alone.
I’ll still struggle for dear life… bruises won’t kill me anyway. My battle against loneliness is tough… but I know I can make it.
I’ll be here waiting… just like a cocoon… i’ll wait for my life to be complete.
I was hanging then, remained like that until the cold air freezed me to death.I don’t even want to make a choice, coz i know if I go up, wilderness will not make me feel at home…
I’ll be lost and for all we know… i’ll slip again and there… hanging!
But at some point, i saw this light approaching me, telling me that the biggest mistake of life is to STOP, and just wait for
your death to come.
This light struck me so bad… so fast… and it made me chose to struggle for dear life… and so i pushed myself up, and there I saw an Angel… offered me its hand and made it easy for me to climb up.
This dear Angel saved me… and somehow alleviated the pain… pain that kept me alive yet empty.
I’m still empty though… incomplete as what they say…
but my Angel never failed to make me smile! =)
at this moment i’m at the edge of the cliff… hanging! struggling to climb up,
but somehow, i want to fall…
the cliff is so high,
i can see no end.
that’s why i’m scared…
i can’t see if cold water will catch me,
or sharp edged rocks.
but i want to end my struggle…
i’m holding on with only one hand,
slowly it’s slipping.
i can feel the sweat that loosens my grip.
what could possibly catch me?
but what if i was able to struggle,
and able to climb up again?
what could possibly wait in this wilderness?
seems like i don’t have a choice…
and i’m hanging!
wherever i look… it’s loneliness that i see.
even the branches of these trees are dry
and the roots are begging for a drop of water.
still i’m hanging…
i can feel the numbing cold
slowly… it freezed my soul,
now i’m still hanging…
but not struggling…
just waiting… come what may!
to fall or not to fall…
but still… i’m hanging! =(
today i feel different…
even if i dig deep,
i can’t reach anything…
i can’t see my soul…
i can’t feel my heart…
i can hear myself laugh…
i can see myself smile…
but all seems to be shallow…
superficial!
i can see myself standing in front of the mirror…
yet i can see through myself…
hollow… no substance…
i’m empty…
lost with my emotions…
E M P T Y… =(
