The Bitch’s Cradle I

Naku ate malou, iyakan ba ito ever?!!! Hehehe…. We miss you so much ate, I didn’t have the chance to thank you for being the best TL in the world… it’s sad that you have to leave… a good leader like you should be treasured. Obvious naman ang product ng pagiging good leader mo e… you molded us to become a better person and helped us to find ways to improve ourselves, even if you were really strict and your moody and mataray sometimes, it really helped me a lot especially for us who just graduated. Kahit na madalas mo kaming sermonan it never discouraged us to achieve more, instead you motivated us to become a better person. When I started here in VA I saw how other TL’s do it… I realized that you really handled our team well. You were like this strict mom that we can rely on when it comes to personal problems but someone we will be afraid of if we do not follow the values you teach… hehehe… truly you were a mom, a sister, a friend and the best TL. Our team is the cut above the rest and I’m proud of that… not only stats wise but with the friendship that we share, it is very deep… pag nakikita ko nga sila na naguumpukan sa pantry, I feel so proud kasi they try to work as one… khit pinagsamasama ang mga pasaway sa Kansas, still these are the people I will choose to work with kung may next life… hehehe. I feel lucky for having you guys and also for havin you ate malou as my mentor… you helped me become the person I wanted to be and that is really BIGTIME! Now that you’re there, I know the team you will handle will be as lucky as we are… cguro nga you were meant to be there to help other people as well… para mghasik ng katarayan hehehe ….

Guys… wag nating i-disappoint c ate malou… perform well and magmahalan taung lahat hehehe… dun sa mga bago, you’ll love this team sobra! Welcome to our family and let’s keep our family intact ok!!! LOVE YOU GUYS!!! KAW DIN ATE MALOU!!! C YAH!!!

Friday morning… thank God, it’s the last day of the shift!!! Oh what a week full of fun and sad encounters… it’s not actually a blast cause it is the same old shit… but still I"m happy coz i was able to finish my website, so i’ll just have to update it once in a while. i’ve been thinking of a better things to include there just to make it really worth visiting… hmmm… i wonder. i’ve got my poems there though. It’s fun actually. For the whole week i kept myself busy with work, my blog and my website but still even if I’m all jammed with things to do you can’t veer away from the realities of my jaded life and you know how hard it is when you have to keep it on your own, and the person you’ve been counting on to listen and comfort you is now lost in space, for i don’t know what reason he doesn’t go online, doesn’t call and doesn’t text me. Oh well, he might have gotten tired listening to my rants, I am tired myself.

Whew at such a young age I’ve been in such exhaustion… seems like a late pre-teen syndrome… if there’s such a term. I’m so lost that’s it… i just want to be at peace with life and nature. You know sometimes when you want to zap yourself to Nicaragua or Zimbabwe… hehehe… just for the heck of being in a different world. But of course heaven forbid, please not at a place where my life will be more of a waste.

I guess I just need to watch a good movie, to detach myself from the world’s oddities. I miss my college days… it’s easier to escape from pain when you’ve got a terror professor to think about… hah!

a girl spoke with an angel,               

this girl was lurking behind the shadow of denial,

she was lost, wandering in the stillness of the night.

but she was trying to grasp the light of dear life.

she had a fighting chance to live.

although she tried to walk across the desert,

barefooted and armed with only her mask,

she was struggling to fight the emptiness.

until she came across with  an angel…                  

the angel spoke to her,

and the angel’s voice touched her soul.

she was weak and could barely breathe.

she’d been through a lot, you can see that in her eyes      

the obstacles of life has encircled her eyes      

and yet she never bothered to ask God why.

instead she told the angel how she felt,

she cried and cried which she never did along the way.                                                      

she remained strong and well-founded,            

but not infront of the angel…

the angel’s touch healed her deep wounds,       

and she thought the angel will cushion her fall

and the angel was just in time.

she was so carefree - the way she made her fall.

she closed her eyes and inhaled the balmy breeze,

only to find out, the angel has lost its wings.         

Okay… so where do I go from here? Actually, I can’t pick up the pieces of me, it’s all scattered. I tossed myself out into the open ever since Marvin and I broke up 3 or 4 years ago. 

Oh well… Marvin Santos… the only guy I truly loved the most… the person who caused me so much pain but I have forgiven for the millionth time. The person who brought me into so much trouble.

Okay, I guess it will be so unfair for him if I put the blame on him… it’s just that when we broke up, I was literally lost in translation. I started dating, and found men who were totally wrong for me. My demented reasoning would tell me that it’s okay… I’m young and I should meet a lot of people who will help me grow, more choices the better. But through the course of time, you tend to like someone who’s either a total asshole or a total asshole… hehehe so I guess I have no choice after all.

For instance, you meet someone who’s totally "right for you" and then one evening you’ll find out that there are extra baggage ( a kiddo and some girl pretending to be the “wiffy” or maybe she’s not pretending at all) and what’s more you become an instant home wrecker! Hah… life isn’t such a bore after all! It’s full of shocking surprises and revelation.

There’s more to that… I don’t think it can fit the entire blog, but really the pain and the emptiness that I’ve endured for the past years is begging for inebriation so as to forget, damn I so don’t need to feel this pain now!

But strange as it may seem, no matter what happened to us, every time I feel down and lost, I turn to him and seek for comfort. Even if he’s not around I just think of him, and surely I’d feel that at some point I found the right person to love. For the past years, he some what became my strength.

Just like what I’m doing now, I’m obviously reliving our good old memories to alleviate the sadness. It’s such a heroic struggle to keep myself together, coz slowly I’m falling apart. Under normal circumstances I will just hang out with my friends, go out and meet another guy probably (and break my heart eventually), or I’ll just laugh out loud with my colleagues, but I’m here all alone at my work station trying to drown myself with work but I don’t have anything to do at this point… hmmm…

So where will this “conversation with myself” lead to? To hell I guess… hah! Oh well… even in this disheveled state, I know that there are lots of things to think about… and such insignificant heart problem won’t affect world peace. Really I dunno… I guess I’ll chill out!

Have you ever felt the agony of long wait? have you ever wonder when a certain person or thing will come across your way? Scary isn’t it?

I have been sitting here full of anticipation…fearful of what may or may not come to me.

I feel scared because I may not be waiting for anything at all… dunno if I should expect or hope.

I feel scared coz at some point I may not get what i have been asking for… or worst i may not get anything at all.

The stress of long wait is eating my thoughts slowly… I may be young… that’s true, but that means long wait for me.

Patience is a virtue they say, but what if the future isn’t clear? What if it’s way too dark? Is there something wrong with me?

Waiting is painful… especially if you’re waiting for no one…

Monday… and the morning is wonderful… i can see the busy streets of Makati from the window of my office… what a sight to see… somehow there’s beauty from traffic, from work, from all these papers, from life’s hectic schedule… the weekend was such a bore. I just slept the whole day, and with all the excitement due to Pacquiao’s match, my sunday wasn’t as boring as i thought it would be. But still, no gimik, no one to chill out with, nothing special happened.

A very ordinary scene… life is really beautiful… but sometimes it sucks especially if it’s really the same old shit…. ordinary… empty… incomplete…

Haaaaaaaaaaaaay… I wonder when…

Anyway… mornings will still be good… sunrise will still give me hope. There is a perfect time for everything… so again… good morning! 

i met my angel… yesterday… mark the date… january 19, 2006.

it was overwhelming… my fallen angel.

Pain and sorrow has been slowly eating up my life, negativity has been poisoning my mind. The chaotic events I’ve experienced got me stuck in deep shit. There were mornings that I wouldn’t want to embrace, as if its breeze is slowly killing me with sadness and paranoia. There were days of extreme boredom and days that I am indifferent.

When with friends, I try to excite myself with fun stories and dating, but the more I search for comfort, the more I screw myself. Behind every smile were tears, trying so hard not to   come out of my eyes.

But as always, no matter how difficult the trouble is God will show you that He exists. Of course you can’t expect Him to come down from heaven to reach your hand, but he will send someone to help you stand up from your fall.

And… God has kicked outta heaven, the perfect person to guide me. I always wait for his call. I always wait for him to be online. Every conversation with him heals my soul. He is my shock absorber, my defender, my angel. =)

I really wonder how a person can carry such unconscientous acts… how can a person sleep tight with a secret that can certainly hurt people and damage their lives… I wonder? It’s hard to tell which is true or not… what to believe in… if it’s the person you trusted… or the person who tells you that this person cannot be trusted.

Life and its complexities… it will bring you back to square one. All you ever wished for is to live a happy and peaceful life, and then there comes someone whom you thought will help you find that harmony… and so you thought! You never wanted to hurt anyone, you have no intentions of ruining somebody else’s life… you were just having a journey and passed by their way… and then they call you a HOMEWRECKER!

Did you ever come up to him in the first place? Have you known before that someone might get hurt… you’ve got the cleanest intention in the world and that was to share your love… apparently you’ve shared it to the wrong person.

How can you tell who’s telling the truth… the one in denial or the one who revealed?

You were peacefully walking and living life at its best and suddenly you are a HOMEWRECKER! How about you… weren’t you wrecked at all when you found out about this… who could be the victim at this point? You are hurting as well and you’ve got feelings too… you have a life to deal with, and with one big time shot it was "wrecked".

Oh well…         

For this week, I had a very hectic and unbelievable schedule… I go home only to take a bath and get some extra clothes and then i’m off to work again! Though it’s a choice i still feel the need to breathe.

My schedule was changed from evening shift to morning shift which starts at 6. For people who work in a call center, this shift is good enough because it’s not to early and not late enough to be caught in traffic. But for me, i don’t like this schedule at some point… because i hate travelling early in the morning especially if it’s dark. Ever since i got robbed in the bus a few months ago i never felt comfortable walking outside when it’s dark.

Sometimes i feel that i need air to breathe because i have been a worrier… i’ve been paranoid about almost everything… and the scariest part is that i’m nurturing a very dangerous pet insde me… i can feel the negativity growing day by day because of the unfortunate things that happened to my life.

I am scared, yes it’s true… somehow if you know me so well you’ll be surprised… unlikely right? True enough… the strength and conviction inside is slowly tearing apart, but the faith is still there. Funny that one event of our lives can make us snap… just like what’s happening to me.

That traumatic experience changed my entire life… it restricted me to do stuff that i usually do, although it made me aware that yes this is not a safe world to live in, it still caused me so much pain and apprehensions… and not only that, even the heartaches and bitterness i have are adding to my worries.

I need to get back the peace of mind that was stolen from me. I need air to breathe… really!