My First Love and the Next
Okay… so where do I go from here? Actually, I can’t pick up the pieces of me, it’s all scattered. I tossed myself out into the open ever since Marvin and I broke up 3 or 4 years ago.
Oh well… Marvin Santos… the only guy I truly loved the most… the person who caused me so much pain but I have forgiven for the millionth time. The person who brought me into so much trouble.
Okay, I guess it will be so unfair for him if I put the blame on him… it’s just that when we broke up, I was literally lost in translation. I started dating, and found men who were totally wrong for me. My demented reasoning would tell me that it’s okay… I’m young and I should meet a lot of people who will help me grow, more choices the better. But through the course of time, you tend to like someone who’s either a total asshole or a total asshole… hehehe so I guess I have no choice after all.
For instance, you meet someone who’s totally "right for you" and then one evening you’ll find out that there are extra baggage ( a kiddo and some girl pretending to be the “wiffy” or maybe she’s not pretending at all) and what’s more you become an instant home wrecker! Hah… life isn’t such a bore after all! It’s full of shocking surprises and revelation.
There’s more to that… I don’t think it can fit the entire blog, but really the pain and the emptiness that I’ve endured for the past years is begging for inebriation so as to forget, damn I so don’t need to feel this pain now!
But strange as it may seem, no matter what happened to us, every time I feel down and lost, I turn to him and seek for comfort. Even if he’s not around I just think of him, and surely I’d feel that at some point I found the right person to love. For the past years, he some what became my strength.
Just like what I’m doing now, I’m obviously reliving our good old memories to alleviate the sadness. It’s such a heroic struggle to keep myself together, coz slowly I’m falling apart. Under normal circumstances I will just hang out with my friends, go out and meet another guy probably (and break my heart eventually), or I’ll just laugh out loud with my colleagues, but I’m here all alone at my work station trying to drown myself with work but I don’t have anything to do at this point… hmmm…
So where will this “conversation with myself” lead to? To hell I guess… hah! Oh well… even in this disheveled state, I know that there are lots of things to think about… and such insignificant heart problem won’t affect world peace. Really I dunno… I guess I’ll chill out!
