The Bitch’s Cradle I

This it it, it’s the end of it! This is really painful to accept you know, coz i thought I was in control but no I wasn’t. I was just in denial, coz I know for a fact that I am on the losing end.

I have to stop daydreaming… you will never be mine. How can I, if you have an unbreakable bond?  How can I ever compete with a young beautiful boy?

Yeah, it is a losing battle and funny coz I haven’t started yet. But I’m grateful I had my own share of you. You were a part of me somehow and it can never be denied. I have to let go… I have to stop now.

I’ll remember the day you made me smile… but I am moving on…

It was like all hell broke loose that time, I felt so depressed and I’ve lost my confidence. I could never imagine my life in such despair. I tried to stand up and be strong, but behind closed doors I was a shattered glass. Suddenly, you came and things went different. You were someone I can run to when I was so afraid of what has gone through my life and of what will happen next. You listened to every qualms I had, funny stories, and especially when I cried… you never failed to make me smile.

I thought of you as someone sent to me by God, to help me face my fears and frustrations. Every conversation we’ve had felt as if I don’t have a problem at all. You made me look forward to every single day of my life. Changing one’s ways is easier said than done, but it was easier when you’re around. Your presence -even if you weren’t physically there, made me excited of what’s life gotta offer.

For every conversation, you just listened. You never said anything, never gave me solutions or suggestions, but the minute you said "don’t worry I’m just here", it felt as if you were carrying me. I know I can’t make it on my own, I prayed all day so I can carry on, I explored all avenues to search for answers. Then I realized, I don’t need answers at all. Things happen so we’ll learn, and sometimes we have to fall on our own sword. I’m glad I learned it from you. You make me smile, and it gives me strength, your sweet voice invigorates my soul. I face every morning thinking I can make it, coz I have my angel with me.

One day, I woke up and you were not there anymore, I thought I’m going to move from pillar to post. To my surprise, I was able to stand. Then I realized, you left me your strength, you left me the sweetness of your voice. Everytime I am troubled or in pain, I can grasp the nettle.

Thank you for being a part of me. For the shortest time, I cherished every wonderful moment we’ve shared. But I certainly miss you! You have been my one true angel. Wherever you are, I just wish you won’t forget me and the things we’ve shared. I owe you a lot. Truly, angels can be found on Earth and you will remain my angel forever.

It took me along time to write something here again. I have been trying to face life and been trying to figure out what was it that I truly want… what is it that is missing in my life? Is there something that is missing or this is just brought by being not satisfied and continuous search for nothing at all. Being human we tend to be not satisfied with what we have, I admit to that sin. Probably, this is what I’m going through right now.

Every night I ask myself what is it that I truly want? To be in love again? To love someone and be loved in return? but love has come and gone my way and nothing has change. I can feel I’m barely breathing… tired of thinking of something that shouldn’t be a cause of worry after all.

Is it really like that or am I just in denial? That I was there… about to wish that he was mine, I was in… so deep. But what now? I am nothing… taken for granted and forlorn. Am I just in denial because my pride couldn’t accept the fact that I will fall in love with someone whom I never thought would hurt me in the most crucial and unexpectable way!?

Probably it’s like that! Whew… I’m so tired of thinking… now I am barely breathing!

It’s the middle of the week and we still haven’t talk to each other. We don’t see each other anymore after work. I keep on convincing myself that this is good and that this is my choice since I know that nothing’s gonna happen and I might hurt myself and others as well. But convincing myself ain’t no good at all… look at me, I’m stuck here, alone and wishing that at some point he’ll go upstairs and visit me at my station.

I saw him last night, but he didn’t look at me… it’s so painful… twice as much! Yes it’s painful already when I found out about his "baggage", it’s painful enough that she had to text me and call me a home wrecker (their not even married for crying out loud!), it’s painful to realize that every time he’s not feeling well i cannot take of him… can you imagine now the pain I’m going through?

To top it all… it’s damn, freakin painful to be ignored! I feel like there’s this big sign on my forehead saying "Loser", it feels like I’m doomed to fail in every relationship I have.

I miss him!

I wonder if he can feel that I’m hurting?

I wonder if he cares?

Can he see it it in my eyes, I’m full of tears and I’m dying to cry.

I’m so wretched…

I just want this feeling to stop.

I’m all fed up…

I’m all broken inside…

But does he know about that?

He shouldn’t have gone anywhere near me…

He knows for a fact that he’ll hurt me.

I hate him for that.

But, did i ever show him how I hate him?

No…

I just can’t…

I hate him, because I thought I can love him.

But I can’t.

I guess I’ll stop! From here I know were I should go…

Where I should stand…

From here I know you’re someone that I cannot have…

From here I know you’re someone who will always remain special… But from here… I know… I should stop… because I don’t even have the chance to start. =)

Haaaaaaay!!! If only I could shout here, kanina ko pa siguro ginawa. Sobrang sama ng loob ko… and I dunno why the hell am I feeling this way towards him. I told myself I should be in control, but it seems like i’ve fallen from grace again.

I thought I saw him downstairs, just before his shift… he was even wearing this yellow poloshirt that looks good on him, pero ngaun pagbaba ko hindi ko siya makita. I’m torn and pieces of me are scattered. I dunno what I feel… but I know for a fact… nasasaktan ako sa ginagawa nia skin.

I know I should not feel anything deeper for him, coz he’ll never be mine. But I enjoyed every second that we’re together, I cherished every compliment he gave me, I feel the warmth everytime he holds my hand.

Right now I’m at the office… and i have no one to talk to. I can feel that my heart is about to burst. I’ve been wanting to talk to him… I wanna know… is it the end for both of us? How can I let myself fall for his trap? Yes… he seems like he can’t melt butter in his mouth… pero yun pla he’s a dark horse!

Yeah I know we started on the wrong foot… but what can I do now?
It’s too late… I fell.

What was that about? Why such comment? Did I say anything wrong in the previous entries…well if some of it hurts probably coz it’s true… or if you’re jealous (i hope!) well there’s reason to feel that way.  

Let me set things straight here… first thing is that I am not involved with anyone "officially" at this moment. I may go out with friends but I’m not exclusively dating. BUT… I am closely attached with someone… and that’s you ( you who gave such shitty comment).

Why closely attached? Well… for the lack of better term, I really don’t know how am I going to label this thing that we’re having. As much as I’d want to, I’d like to keep you, but there is something that keeps me away from such thought. You obviously know what I’m talking about. I don’t want to proclaim it from the rooftop so the world will know how complicated things are.

Second thing you need to know… well I was hurt when I found out about your "baggage". It really did affect me. I am hiding the pain… though I need to talk to someone about it and for your information this is the person I was reffering to in my last entry ("just jaded")… well just in case you’re thinking that I am also closely attached to this person… well i’m not!

Funny how things get so complicated. Now you are giving me this cold treatment for God knows what reason! My gut feel is bugging me again, telling me that something is wrong between us (well everything is wrong first and foremost) you are close but i can feel the empty space. Are you not happy anymore? Have I done something wrong? Did you come to your senses already and finally decided to just stick to "what you have"? Why are you suddenly indifferent?

Damn! I’m so tired of thinking non-sense! I’m so tired of being close and one quick snap everything’s gone, I’m tired of being happy but not for long, I’m tired of being the 3rd party, I’m tired of having no love at all…or better yet…I’m tired of always loving the wrong person!

One day (which I hope will not happen) I might snap out of it. Yes, I carry a big smile on my face but can you see through my eyes? Don’t even dare to ask me "what kind of drama is this?" coz I’m not having a drama…

I am shattered… all hell broke loose.