The Bitch’s Cradle I

Kanan o kaliwa?

Taas o baba?

Langit o lupa?

Ligaya o lumbay?

Alalahaning walang humpay.

Mag-isip.

Mamili.

Sa puso mo

Anong nakakubli?

Bulong ng damdamin,

Masama o mabuti?

Tahakin ang tama.

Tahakin ang mali.

Patuloy na naliligaw

Ang kaluluwang sawi.

Yesterday, I went to Redemptorist church in Baclaran. As always, there were lots of devotees coming from all walks of life. As I pass by each pew, I see them glorifying the Lord and the Blessed Mother, their eyes tightly closed and faithfully reciting each verse of the 9 day novena. All of them including myself have one thing in common… wishes, prayers and dreams.

My parents raised us in a very conservative way, “sagrado catolico” as what the elders would say. Everyday instead of reading fairy tale stories my mom would read bible stories. Everyday we have a scheduled time for praying, at six o’ clock it would be Angelus, at three o’ clock, the prayer for the Divine Mercy and by nine o’ clock, just before we go to bed we would pray the Holy Rosary. Of course we would never miss the mass every Sunday, birthdays and any holidays of obligation. We were also taught how to pray almost all novenas for a certain saint. To top it all, aside from the bible study, sacraments and being a member of the church choir I graduated from a Catholic school from elementary, high school up to college. But that doesn’t mean I grew up like a saint… I’m not even close to venerable.

While observing the people praying, my life a few years back suddenly flashed in front of me.

I will never forget how my mom would cry alone in her room thinking of how to get through the next day. It was tough! In her eyes you would see anxiety- filled-sleepless-nights in anticipation of where to get money and how to survive each day. But on each day of anticipation, I never saw fear… I saw faith.

For my mom, each day of work is a day of prayer and worship.

As I was standing in front of the Blessed Mother of Perpetual Help, again I recalled what my mom would always tell me. “We shouldn’t pray for too much wealth and comfort, because material things curtail our freedom. Instead we should pray for inner strength, so we can face insurmountable difficulties. God will provide for as long as we do our own share of load.”

True enough, for the years that gone by, I fell on the ground one- two times, sulked and felt forever condemned. I had been utterly defeated by my negative ideations. Then I remembered….

I prayed and never felt neglected.

Yesterday…June 27^th, it was the Feast of Our Mother of Perpetual Help. There were thousands of devotees that visited her shrine including me. It is true that the easiest way to Jesus is through His mother. Just like how Jesus got me, through my mom.

Despite of all my setbacks in life, I have learned that He never fails to listen and our Blessed Mother never fails to pray for us. There might be wishes and prayers that cannot be granted, but there is no wound that cannot be healed.

I am happy not because I have everything I prayed for, I am a devotee not only because I want my wishes and prayers to be granted, but because until now I still remain standing… with my mom… with my family, fighting a good fight and waiting for God’s precision miracles.

**for my mom and our Mother of Perpetual Help

Naglalaro si Nenita

Kasama si Ponyang

Hala… sige habulan!

Sa ilalim ng punong Acacia

Sila ay naghaharutan.

Taya - tayaan.

Tagu - taguan.

Nadapa si Nenita.

Sa malaking ugat ng punong Acacia

Sumubsob ang mukha nia.

Tumawa si Ponyang.

Natakot si Nenita.

Sa ilalim ng puno

May nakita siya.

Isang prinsesa.

Kinulong.

Sinaktan.

Gutom.

Ngunit may korona.

Eto na naman hindi mapakali          

Ang oras ay nalalapit na

Upang ako’y umuwi.

Sa pagsikat ng araw               

Ang iba’y papasok

Ako’y palabas

Halata ang antok

Sa mukhang mapanglaw.

Sa pagsakay ng bus

Pipilitin kong wag matulog

Nang hindi lumagpas.

                      wala sa hinagap

                      ang banat mong

                       wala sa hulog,

                        kaya ngayon

                       wala sa wisyo.

May mahihiling pa ba ko?

Mga kaibigang totoo.

Karamay.

Kakapit-kamay.

Isang dekada.

Isang barkada.

             Tuyo.

          Mabango.

      Masarap kainin.

                                    Kung my pagpipilian ka.

At this exact time… I am overly pissed.

I paint myself into a corner, a dark corner that is.

I am about to hit the roof.

But I’m trying to keep my cool.

I hope it’s almost home stretch,

I’m tired of running.

I am pissed… I am tired.

Yesterday… I was happy.

It’s a hair-raising debacle.

Without a ruler it’s really hard to draw a straight line.

Again, I’m a dead duck.

I pick up the clutter on the floor.

I have to bite the bullet.

But yes… it can be avoided.

I had a choice.

I chose not to live.

Finally felt like I was home. I’ve made my bed and I’ve lied on it…

Now I’m awake.

One day, the truth sashayed and it came to me that no matter how hard you play the rules, you don’t always get the results you hoped for.

I stammered when the initial shock of this idea crossed my mind. I wouldn’t want to believe it, coz I always thought that I can always get what I want even if I have to explore all avenues.

It was a hard fall… tough one. I was completely off the rails.

Love is not an easy potion to concoct. Trust me!

Then again I tried to get started, I realized that negativity and adversity make us better artist because it’s something we can pull from, it’s beautiful! (Thanks to Tyra Banks for such thought)  =)

For a while I thought, I have turned into a loose woman who can’t remember who she spent one drunken night with.

Sweet relief!