The Bitch’s Cradle I

I was hooked, the minute the buzzer broke my eardrums I coulndn’t get off the bench. The tension was galvanic. As they toss the ball, grab and push each other, and do their 3 point shot, the energy caused a huge uproar from the crowd. If I was hooked by just watching, I guess the players were electrified during the game.

Honestly, there are so many things in this world that is hard to comprehend even if there is a scientific explanation or none. For instance, basketball and men. Please if there’s someone who would read this blog and can answer my question please do and I’d definitely tell you the secret between women and shoes.

Well, it was a tough game for the boys last night, they were playin it hard as if they were fighting for dear life. Big-shout for them! The ball game was really exciting and I know the boys gave their best. A shitload of energy just to pull off those stunts.

But unfortunately the game didn’t turn out well for their side. Of course in every game someone has to win and someone has to lose. They got the downside of the story. Seeing those big boys rocking the court just a few minutes ago, suddenly turned into crying babies. Some where still ok with it, but some where really disappointed.

I understand that the game wasn’t an easy shot after all, but I was amazed to see how a big guy would transform into a young boy the minute they lost. Not only that, like Gerald, whenever I see him watching a basketball game he’s so absorbed by it that he doesn’t even talk to me.

Well it’s not really a big deal for me, not that I’m jealous or something but I just felt bad that Gerald was upset when they didn’t win. I saw how he played and it was awesome. I really have no idea how to comfort a passionate baller who lost a game. Funny coz I just told him, "don’t worry mahal naman kita eh" (don’t worry, I still love you) and to my surprise the reaction was as blank as a sheet of clean paper. Was that the right way to make a baller feel good after losing a game? I felt bad somehow when I wasn’t able to make a point… and he didn’t even appreciate that I was there no matter what. But I guess that’s just how it is. Disappointing… that is… and if I can’t do anything or say anything to make him feel better, I’ll just remain quiet and just be there.

I guess balls and girls don’t do good together… wait a sec… that doesn’t sound right… ayt? Heheheheh… let me rephrase that. Basketball and girls are… well I really don’t know… it’s up to you guys to finish the sentence. Why don’t we just talk about shoes then! =)

I’m at work today, practically doing nothing, although I have lots of things to do, I can’t bring myself back to working mode. These past few days, I don’t feel motivated at all. Probably because of the repetitive stuff that I do each day plus I’m in the morning shift which is really hard because I’d have to wake up early and go through all the trouble of commuting and of course rush hour.

The only thing that’s keeping me sane these days, is blogging, some friends and our fun conversation and of course Gerald. It feels like I’m not growing and learning from what I do, not to mention the fact that I’m not getting a satifactory pay. Imagine every cut-off, you’d have to dispute the days you were deducted for, because of some negligent people who did not mark your attendance properly when you had your APPROVED vacation leave or sick leave! CRAP! On top of that let’s include the consistent and I guess non-curable "irrate agents" that you’d have to constantly coach and to make things worst, they don’t appreciate your help and would think that what you’re doing is non-sense. Let us not forget the ever frustrating campaign for EOP (English Only Policy). Does anyone religiously follow this anyway?

These things that would just grab me by the soul and drag me around is keeping me from performing well at work. Don’t get me wrong, I love my job and ever since I got here I realized that training career is my passion. But the processes that we have is not that organized, it’s caging me and my desire to learn and I want to break out.

Forgive me for the ranting. I know I have a very cool job. I know these days it’s hard to find a good job and I don’t have the right to make a mountain out of a molehill. But still I am frustrated, but why distress myself with it?

So… as we speak… I’ll just keep on blogging.

Worrying kills you… well this is the mantra that I keep on repeating to myself each day. Aside from singing, I guess this is one of my greatest talent! I worry about lots of things from the smallest detail to the biggest creation in the world. Who can I blame? Bad experiences? They say charge it to experience… you bet! You learn from these things… I learn nothing but to worry. Even when I’m happy, I worry. I worry that after laughing out loud, I’d cry the next day. Pathetic huh?

Sometimes my worrying worries me… see?! Like when I ride the bus, whenever someone hides his hands in his jacket, it gives me the feeling that he has a gun or a knife. I even thought I saw someone pick-pocketing someone. Either that or I’m delusional!

There are more to that story, which at some point is an advantage because I’m vigilant and alert. But it causes me a great deal of trouble. I don’t ride buses which have curtains, I don’t ride AC trans, WALIS taxi cab, I don’t ride tinted FX, I don’t ride jeepneys which have small windows and goon-looking men… and the list goes on and on.

This "worrying thing" or it may come close to paranoia- is also affecting my personal relationship with other people and with myself. I worry about my future, I worry about my family if their safe, I worry if my friends are safe and if they are really "true" friends, I worry if my boyfriend is loyal to me or not… I worry about anything under the sun.

Right now, I’m worrying because I’m happily inlove. It has never been like this before, trust me! Life hasn’t been to good to me in this aspect of life. But now that it seems like I have found the right one, I am worrying again… worrying that tomorrow it’s a different story. Though I trust the guy (as in I really do) this monster lurking inside my brain is slowly killing me.

I don’t want to be afraid of riding the bus, jeep, or taxi. I don’t want to live afraid that my loved ones are not safe. I don’t want to constantly think if I turned off the gas or if I pulled the plug of the tv. I dont want to be afraid of loving too much, I don’t want to worry about losing him.

I just want to live in peace.

                  ~~With you, I started to live the rest of my life~~

Life left me a bad taste in the mouth,      

But you made me laugh,

And so I forgot the taste.

Mornings used to bring me death of a thousand cuts,

But you made me smile each morning,

And now I look forward to each day of my life. 

The past haunted me and tormented me with pain,

But you held my hand through the course of my journey.

Now my days are full of the joys of spring.

I had anxiety-filled sleepless nights,

In anticipation of what could go wrong.

But you kissed me before I sleep.

Now I sleep and I see you in my dreams.

I was a slave of fear, it was crippling.

But your sweet embrace brought warmth and security.

Now I’ve learned to fight a good fight.

I’ve been pretending to be strong, though I trip and fall a lot of times.

I still try to stand upright.

But you carried me as I walk,

Now I’m not afraid to be weak,

For you are now my strength.

Love is made perfect in weakness,

Together we fill each others shortcomings,

Together we will praise the Lord.

Every morning I’ll wake up looking at your face.

And in your arms I am certain.