I am expecting.
I am waiting.
Excited yet scared,
Of what lies ahead.
It is quiet, I can hear the clock tick.
The sound of it pumps my heart with bliss.
I am expecting.
I am waiting.
Counting the days.
Happiness is on me.
Life as they say is worth all the trouble. Even if there is a greater world that awaits us beyond this polluted planet, still living on Earth is a blast. I don’t mean to be a wordly creature (don’t get me wrong Lord God), I just want to be thankful.
Gosh… my mood swings are terribly swinging… heheheh. Out of sorts. Yesterday, it was off. But now, I sort of liked my life again. That’s how life goes! Moonish me. 
I’m just thankful that once in awhile, when the drama queen inside me would vent and cry out loud, there is someone who would keep me sane and struggle with me.
Despite my paranoia and my obsessive-compulsive behavior, I still feel loved. I am thankful to God for giving me someone who can put up with my tantrums, who can live up with my nagging… etcetera, etcetera.
Once in a while we feel down and depressed. I for once thought I have manic depression. But really, DRAMA is my middle name =). Somehow i thought it’s just our angels knocking our hearts to see that we have someone to run to. It can be directly God, but sometimes he’d send someone to make our frustrations bearable. Someone who would make us feel safe, someone who would make us feel beautiful, someone who would make us feel worth all the trouble.
And that is why LIFE is worth all the trouble. Because there’s God. Because he sends angels that would carry us when we’re about to fall the shit hole of life.
I feel so off today. Monday morning… and everything seems to crash on me. The recent weekend was a blast. Shopping galore, Pacquiao’s fight and DVD marathon all together with my hubby. But after weekend, the gross reality has faced me this morning.
Monday rush hour, heat of the sun, and a terrible paying company plus a soon to fall department. Don’t forget the sucky monitoring, and the spoonfeeding of team leads… the list goes on and on.
Oh well… it’s just me ranting. I should be thankful I was able to shop. What a relief!
I hope it’s always weekend. I hope the other companies that I’ve checked out last week will call me. I’m sick of being here, I’m sick of doing this good for nothing monitoring and coaching. It’s endless. I can’t feel the fulfillment. And then they call us the support group… but in reality, all their jobs are thrown at us. Isn’t that sweet… bleh!!!
Aaaaah… I just want to scream and shout. House pressure… never ending demands. Work pressure… incompetent pay… a manager who doesn’t listen… people who boss around… people who throw their jobs at us…. this will never stop.
I think I’m getting sick.
I am a sinner. I have sinned against my parents, I have sinned against my brothers and sister, I have sinned against my friends, my love ones, I have sinned against people and I have sinned against God. Yes, I am a sinner.
That is why I keep on asking myself, is it right to question the Lord? Is it right to ask him, howcome his plans are different than mine? Is it right to think of what to believe in - between fate, His will or my decisions in life.
As my journey goes deeper in the woods, I begin to ponder whether my choices are brought about by destiny, my own choices or God’s will. I wonder where the things happening to me came from.
Right now, I’m in the state of "discombobula drepression". Failure is good coz it makes you strong, but still it is painful. My egoistic femininity was scarred. Sunken in this deep shit hole, I need to escape. I must plan for an elusive release.
Now being the sinner that I am, is it alright to ask God to help me escape?
