The Bitch’s Cradle I

This is my 100th blog entry, just like the others, this entry is a piece of me. But unlike the rest of my entries, this is the turning point of my life.

I’ve written so many things about pain, hate, men and love. through the years I have shared my rants and raves. Now, if only these words can shout, it will be deafening, for it will scream the happiness I am feeling as I speak.

I have finally found the right man in my life… ooops… sorry… should I say right men!

Recently I got married to Gerald, it was unexpected by most people and we had to struggle and fight for our happiness… now all the struggle is worth fighting for. 

I have found another man in my life- Joaquin Liam. July 8th, 2007 at exactly 2:13pm my son- Joaquin, came to life. He was 7.5lbs, 51 centimeters long with a 36 centimeter head circumference. Imagine the pain I had to go through during my labor- the contractions and not to mention my legs wide spread for 3 hours and the nurses were just watching me scream my lungs out while waiting for the big catch! 

Giving birth felt like an extreme case of constipation and dysmenorreah. It was too painful. After I gave birth I was waiting for the moment to finally meet my son and feel the numbness of pain… and there he was, a very big and chubby baby boy. The raging of emotions could not be explained, my tears won’t let go, my smile won’t come off my face. All I had was disbelief of the miracle that happened. I couldn’t believe what I saw… this beautiful creature just came out of me… God I was happy! Happy is not even the right word to use… it’s indescribable!

And yet there’s still the pain… then I realized it’s not true that when you see the baby you will be withdtrawn from all the pain… but I was empowered to endure every bit of pain that I felt.

I realized… that was just the start of it. This is not me whining… this is me sharing the hardships of being a mom and finding the joy in it.

As I bring Joaquin home, I watch him sleep. Being a mom, just like working in a call center, it would mostly require a graveyard shift. The only difference is that, it’s way too unpredictable! There were nights that he would just cry and I was worried what went wrong and there were nights that I cried because I couldn’t put him to sleep.

When I breastfed Joaquin, I was swamped with joy. He needs me to live and he loves the warmth of my skin, he embraces me even if his arms were too short to wrap my body, he feels my heartbeat as if it was his own. My breasts were sore after he fed, I had cramps because my veins were pumping for milk, as full as my breasts felt… I was fulfilled.

Sentimental as it seems, the most touching part of being a mom is when you see your son and his father play and cuddle.  For me these moments are priceless. As they sleep at each other’s side, I watch them with a tearful eye. What more could I ever wish for?

As I look back and read through the previous entries I made, I remembered undesirable days of my life, it may be unpleasant but it made me who I am now.

I had a hurtful past…

… and a blissful future.