The Bitch’s Cradle I

sa gitna ng krus na daan,

nag-iisip ako kung ako ba’y tatawid?

mabilis ang takbo ng mga sasakyan,

baka ako’y mahagip.

umurong… sumulong…

hangang sa paa ko’y muntik maiipit ng gulong.

mabilis akong tumakbo,

ngunit natangal ang sapatos ko.

sa gitna ng krus na daan

ako’y nakatawid.

ngayo’y pinagmamasdan ang sapatos

na dinadaandaanan ng sasakyan.

sa gitna ng krus na daan,

ang takong tumilapon,

ang balat ay nawasak,

nakatawid ako…

pero hindi ang sapatos ko.

I can’t wait to scream and shout, to tell the world how happy I am. Few more days to count and I will do just that. I pray to God for forgiveness and acceptance. All I have is a gift. A blessing despite of our sin. I’m afraid to see the disappointment but I know in time the upcoming smile and cry will brighten our days. I can’t wait to make this known unmistakably, to reveal what great gift we have received.

I am expecting.

I am waiting.

Excited yet scared,

Of what lies ahead.

It is quiet, I can hear the clock tick.

The sound of it pumps my heart with bliss.

I am expecting.

I am waiting.

Counting the days.

Happiness is on me.

Life as they say is worth all the trouble. Even if there is a greater world that awaits us beyond this polluted planet, still living on Earth is a blast. I don’t mean to be a wordly creature (don’t get me wrong Lord God), I just want to be thankful.

Gosh… my mood swings are terribly swinging… heheheh. Out of sorts. Yesterday, it was off. But now, I sort of liked my life again. That’s how life goes! Moonish me.

I’m just thankful that once in awhile, when the drama queen inside me would vent and cry out loud, there is someone who would keep me sane and struggle with me.

Despite my paranoia and my obsessive-compulsive behavior, I still feel loved. I am thankful to God for giving me someone who can put up with my tantrums, who can live up with my nagging… etcetera, etcetera.

Once in a while we feel down and depressed. I for once thought I have manic depression. But really, DRAMA is my middle name =). Somehow i thought it’s just our angels knocking our hearts to see that we have someone to run to. It can be directly God, but sometimes he’d send someone to make our frustrations bearable. Someone who would make us feel safe, someone who would make us feel beautiful, someone who would make us feel worth all the trouble.

And that is why LIFE is worth all the trouble. Because there’s God. Because he sends angels that would carry us when we’re about to fall the shit hole of life.

I feel so off today. Monday morning… and everything seems to crash on me. The recent weekend was a blast. Shopping galore, Pacquiao’s fight and DVD marathon all together with my hubby. But after weekend, the gross reality has faced me this morning.

Talk about WORK!!!

Monday rush hour, heat of the sun, and a terrible paying company plus a soon to fall department. Don’t forget the sucky monitoring, and the spoonfeeding of team leads… the list goes on and on.

Oh well… it’s just me ranting. I should be thankful I was able to shop. What a relief!

I hope it’s always weekend. I hope the other companies that I’ve checked out last week will call me. I’m sick of being here, I’m sick of doing this good for nothing monitoring and coaching. It’s endless. I can’t feel the fulfillment. And then they call us the support group… but in reality, all their jobs are thrown at us. Isn’t that sweet… bleh!!!

Aaaaah… I just want to scream and shout. House pressure… never ending demands. Work pressure… incompetent pay… a manager who doesn’t listen… people who boss around… people who throw their jobs at us…. this will never stop.

I think I’m getting sick.

I am a sinner. I have sinned against my parents, I have sinned against my brothers and sister, I have sinned against my friends, my love ones, I have sinned against people and I have sinned against God. Yes, I am a sinner.

That is why I keep on asking myself, is it right to question the Lord? Is it right to ask him, howcome his plans are different than mine? Is it right to think of what to believe in - between fate, His will or my decisions in life.

As my journey goes deeper in the woods, I begin to ponder whether my choices are brought about by destiny, my own choices or God’s will. I wonder where the things happening to me came from.

Right now, I’m in the state of "discombobula drepression". Failure is good coz it makes you strong, but still it is painful. My egoistic femininity was scarred. Sunken in this deep shit hole, I need to escape. I must plan for an elusive release.

Now being the sinner that I am, is it alright to ask God to help me escape?

STOP!!! I dunno what is it that you want from me… I’m losin’ it! Why do you have to keep on pestering me simply because of an archaic message and blog entry? Let me tell you that it is inside the oldies closet already. Ready to be trashed and burned!

Don’t even think that you can tug me anytime you want. I am NOT yours. So please give me a break!

Yes I may have loved you and I’ve been blinded for the longest time. I wasted time when i was young. Too bad!

But hey… don’t flatter yourself, I AM NOT INLOVE WITH YOU ANYMORE MARVIN! So pleeease spare me the text messages and get the hell off me. I’m happy now and I’m glad I’m not with you. I wouldn’t want to live a life with an otiose individual. A swell- headed bum such as you will never be an ideal guy for me.

Don’t be too confident that whenever you call or text me i’d come running. Trust me… your presence doesn’t excite me!

One more thing, don’t tell me not to talk to your mom or brother when I see them. I am not disrespectful. If they don’t like the person you are with, I can’t blame them- for obvious reasons. If they like me, well… that is not my problem.

Work it out!

STOP sending me messages, you and your girl. Such a waste. I’m happy with my life now. If you can’t accept the fact that I can get over you… well DREAM ON my dear! You’re not the greatest person in the world.

READ THIS:  Let me reiterate, I DO NOT LOVE YOU! My fiance is far from the person that you are. Stop the bullshitting, this would be the last time I’d waste my time on such deranged individual like you. Get that?

I really hope you get this message. Leave me alone… both of you! If you’re not happy, don’t drag me into the deep shit hole you’re in. 

I thought I’d be having a boring Sunday night last week. After the stressful adventures Gerald and I had that Saturday, I woke up with a serious hang-over and a series of shaking and perspiring moment. I opened my eyes and saw that I was inside my room and my head cracking and pounding like crazy. Suddenly, I remembered that we’ll be having a company party that night (Sunday). I was having second thoughts of going, number one because I have nothing to wear and second, I’m so tired to party and I would just like to doze and slumber on my bed the whole day. But I have to go because I will be certified… the fruit of my labor …my Yellow Belt project has finally seasoned.

And so I found myself that night, giggling with some friends, trying to enjoy the night. It wasn’t as enjoyable as before because there were less people especially those that I’m familiar with and heaven forgive me but really… the food didn’t taste good! It was such a waste considering the nice setting they had although it was a bit tiring because we had to sit on the floor since it was "arabian inspired" (and from what I know it’s the Japanese, Chinese and Koreans who doesn’t have chairs and has low tables.) Hah… wherever the idea came from… well at least the effort was there.

Anyway, despite the loopholes of the said party, I had come to enjoy it. The reason? NYOY VOLANTE! Not that I’m a fan (oops defensive =P), I’m just glad that it wasn’t a guest as cheezy as Jimmy Bondoc (good gracious!). 

Well what really made his guesting special for me at least, is because I had the guts to come up to the stage and sing with him. It was just overwhelming for me because I haven’t sang for a long time.

I missed the crowd, the spotlight and the applause of audience who are delighted to hear me sing.

While singing with Nyoy, my highschool years flashed like a movie in my head. I missed singing. With my trainer Tita Luz, with HIMIG and with my band. The feeling is totally different when your up there. It’s like I’m on top of things.

Oh well… the dream that I had to let go. Practicality I guess. At some point singing broke my heart, but I would never give up on it. It would always remain…my first love.

1. WHAT CURSE WORD D0 Y0U USE?
~ ay kalabaw ni pekto!!!

2. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO NOW?
~ Pachabel’s Canon

3. WHO IS THE PERSON YOU TALK TO THE MOST?
~ Gerald, Ritz, Dots and Chase

4. WHAT TIME IS Y0UR ALARM CL0CK SET?
~ 1:30pm

5. DO YOU WEAR FLIP FLOPS WHEN IT’S COLD?
~ sometimes

6. W0ULD Y0U RATHER TAKE THE PICTURE 0R BE IN THE
PICTURE?
~ be in the picture xempre!

7.WHAT WAS THE LAST MOVIE Y0U WATCHED?
~ step up

8. D0 ANY OF Y0UR FRIENDS HAVE CHILDREN?
~ a lot of them

9. HAS ANY0NE EVER CALLED Y0U LAZY?
~ si mama

10. D0 YOU EVER TAKE MEDICATI0N T0 HELP Y0U FALL
ASLEEP?
~ no… antukin ako eh!

11. WHAT CD IS CURRENTLY IN Y0UR CD PLAYER?
~ kwjan

12. D0 Y0U PREFER REGULAR 0R CHOCOLATE MILK?
~ regular milk

13. HAS ANY0NE T0LD Y0U A SECRET THIS WEEK?
~ we have lots of secrets… juicy ones!

14. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU HAD STARBUCKS?
~ yesterday

15. CAN Y0U WHISTLE?
~ i can try.

16.D0 YOU THINK PE0PLE TALK AB0UT Y0U BEHIND YOUR
BACK?
~ i think that is man’s favorite hobby

17. DID Y0U WATCH CARTO0NS AS A CHILD?
~ yeah

18. WHAT M0VIE D0 YOU KNOW EVERY LINE TO?
~ titanic… hehehe… jack… jack!!!

19. D0 YOU 0WN ANY BAND T-SHIRTS?
~ yeah… err… someone promised me another one from Sandwich… err… Myk…

20. IS ANY0NE IN LOVE WITH Y0U?
~ My fiance.

21. DO YOU DO YOUR OWN DISHES?
~ most of the time.

22. EVER CRY IN PUBLIC?
~ October 3, 2006 sa St. Anthony Bus, this old man even offered me peanuts so I’ll stop crying… as if I’m a kid that can be bribed w/ candy.

23. ARE Y0U 0N A DESKT0P COMPUTER 0R A LAPTOP?
~ desktop sa office laptop sa house

24. ARE Y0U CURRENTLY WANTING ANY PIERCINGS 0R
TATTO0S?
~ nheow!!!

31. WHAT’S THE WEATHER LIKE?
~ cold

32. W0ULD Y0U EVER DATE S0ME0NE C0VERED IN TATTO0S?
~ nheow again!!!

33. WHAT DID YOU DO BEFORE THIS?
~ i just ate

34. WHEN IS THE LAST TIME YOU SLEPT ON THE COUCH?
~ i can’t remember

35. H0W MANY H0URS OF SLEEP D0 YOU NEED TO FUNCTION?
~ 3-4 hours.

36. D0 Y0U EAT BREAKFAST DAILY?
~ yeah… well depends on my shift… now I don’t coz I’m asleep in the morning.

37. ARE Y0UR DAYS FULL AND FAST PACED?
~ fast paced

38. D0 YOU PAY ATTENTION TO THE CAL0RIES IN THE
FOOD YOU EAT?
~ that’s crap man!!!

39. D0 Y0U USE SARCASM?
~ sometimes.

40. H0W 0LD WILL Y0U BE TURNING ON Y0UR NEXT BIRTHDAY?
~ 23

41. ARE Y0U PICKY AB0UT SPELLING AND
GRAMMAR?
~ that’s my JOB!!!

42. HAVE Y0U EVER BEEN TO SIX FLAGS?
~ nope

43.D0 YOU GET AL0NG BETTER WITH THE
SAME SEX 0R THE OPPOSITE SEX?
~ both

44.BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND?
~ boyfriend

45.D0 Y0U SLEEP 0N Y0UR SIDE OR BACK?
~ either

46. D0 Y0U WATCH THE NEWS?
~ i try to

47. ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET
IT?
~ left eyebrow, I got it while playing with my brother when we were still kids.

48. WH0 WAS THE LAST PERS0N T0 MAKE Y0U CRY?
~ si Gerald parin!!!

49. D0 YOU LIKE ANYB0DY?
~ like and love

50. HOW’S THE SURVEY?
~ tedious

==
1.first 2 words/letters that pops in ur mind now?
floor walk

2. name 3 of your crazy friends
karen, ebs and jr

3. what’s your favorite number/s?
28

4. what was the first thing you did after waking up?
checked my phone

5. last number of your cell number?
0

6. who was the first person that came to your mind
as you woke up this morning?
si Gerald

7. who was the last person to make you feel kilig?
si Gerald pa rin
8.what song is on your mind right now?
mamayog akun - philippine madrigal singers

9. who do you want to call on your cellphone?
c Gerald xempre

10. Are you in love?
YES~YES~YES!!!

11. what color/s do you like?
pink and black

12. last song that you sang:
Bakit ngayon ka lang?

13. do you like to sing?
try asking Nyoy Volante… he knows =)

14. have you ever been to Baguio, Phils?
yeah

15. what was the last song that you danced to?
SATISFACTION

16. favorite songs:
right now… beautiful days by kyla

17. bakit mo sinagutan ang survey na ito?
gusto ko lang subukan

18. asan ka ngayon?
my station

19. last person you e-mailed.
Serge

20. have you been to disneyLand?
i wish

21.how often do you buy load?
I DON’T BUY I GET IT FOR FREE, MONTHLY.

22.who’s the last person in your phonebook?
GERALD

23. if you were given a chance to visit another
country?
we’ll have our honeymoon there

24. name the person that you want to fall for you
at this moment?
he fell for me already…

If you’ve been my friend for a long time, you would have counted the "lousy" dates I had. You would have witnessed how I flip my hair flirtatioulsy, and catch a glimpse of my crushes. You would have seen how I cried when I was dumped, and how I laughed when I got to dump the "biggest" jerk ever! You would have seen how happy I was single and playing around. You would have seen how I was struggling to have someone to be with.

If you’ve known me for quite sometime, you would say I have completely changed. You might ask what could have happened? Then I would just smile and say… "Finally, I found him!"

Today… tomorrow… forever… I’ll stay inlove with him.