The Bitch’s Cradle I

Ang lahat ng sobra ay nakasasama. Yan ang bagay na natutunan ko kamakailan lang. Hindi lahat ng bagay na akala mo cute sayo eh cute sa iba. Minsan nakakalimutan natin na nakasasakit na tayo ng damdamin ng iba, pero ang masakit kung nasaktan mo ang pinakamamahal mo. Hindi lahat ng bagay ay dapat katakutan, kasi minsan ang sobrang takot ay nauuwi sa kapraningan.

Ngayong lingong ito, isang bagay ang tumatak sa isip ko… ang SELOS ay nakamamatay. Unti-unting nilason ng selos ang utak ko, pinag-sikip nito ang aking dibdib hangang sa mahirapang huminga. Ang inakala kong "cute" sa kanya… hindi na pala. Sumobra ako, at nasaktan siya. Sa isang buong araw na di niya ako kinausap nakaramdam ako ng takot, baka ang taong pinaka-iingatan ko ay biglang maglaho, takot na ang kaisa-isang tao na naging sigurado akong akin ay tinulak ko palayo. Lahat dahil sa sobrang takot, kapraningan, at selos.

It’s tough when you don’t talk to me.

It’s sad that you can stand looking at my messages and not reply to it.

It’s killing me to see that you are ignoring me.

It hurts to see that I’ve caused you pain.

It hurts that the day is about to end,

And yet no matter how much I beg…

Still I am unforgiven.

The green-eyed monster ate me.

It’s chewing me piece by piece,

Slowly the pain freezes my brain,

And cripples my entire body.

Now I’m dead.

I’m begging for your forgiveness.

Oh… when will this freaking pegging end? I’m so sick and tired of monitoring calls… month and month it’s the same people. Same mistakes, same areas for improvement. Same shit! Sometimes even outside work I auto peg people may it be in English or Tagalog. Even when I hear the mass (for cryin’ out loud!) or when I watch tv. It’s 3:10 am, 2 more teams to monitor out 6 teams (a whopping total of 116 agents!!!) FREAK.

Today I am exhausted.

I’m so pissed off right now… I really don’t know why some people won’t stop saying nasty things and yet they’ve got no balls to face me and say it outright!!! Such a coward!!!

Yes! That’s what you are! I just hope this message gets to you.

I guess you’ve gone through a whole lot of misfortunes in your life… well i really don’t want to be the judge of that but it seems like you’re living a horrible life. A very bitter life. SUCKS TO BE YOU!!!

My advice to you is… take it easy and look at things in a positive way. Don’t drop your negativity on others or better yet, get a shrink… I think you badly need it!

Never accuse me of stealing your "guy" coz you were never a witness to that. And if it happened that your guy was with me before, there can only be 2 reasons:

- he’s a BIG flirt and a BIG jerk

- or you’re just inadequate (in whatever aspect this may apply).

Bottomline is… I NEVER STOLE ANYONE FROM SOMEONE!

And if YOUR guy, seems to be cheating on you, no need to worry coz he’s not with me… can’t you see that I’m with someone right now and he’s not the JERK that you are with. You might wanna check his phone and start pestering another creature.

Better yet, start looking at yourself in the mirror and reflect on how to reinvent yourself so you won’t be so insecure and YOUR guy would go F@#! you again! With your attitude, I don’t think any guy can stand being with you!

STOP bothering me coz I don’t have anything to do with you and I don’t even want to have a connection with a sick person like you!

***by the way, you don’t have to remind me that I’m a BITCH… I know that already.

I couldn’t thank God more than enough,

For the life that he gave me.

Each day, I have a beautiful morning

For I know that an angel stands by me.

I was never told that life can be of such delight.

The wrath of pain was out of sight.

The cold prison will not be remembered,

For my angel has arrived on time.

My frozen soul will fly with him,

The warmth of his wings shall melt the snow,

And together we’ll see the beauty of spring.

He’ll hold my hand as we look at the clouds’ sorrow depart.

Each day, the life i live is what he gives.

Each day, the love he gives is what i live for.

Each day, I could not thank God more than enough,

For each day, I have a beautiful morning.

Right at this moment, I couldn’t contain the happiness. For quite somtime I have been writing incessantly about pain and my anguished heart. Probably because it’s easier to write when your lonesome. Words would just float in your head. But when your happy, there are no words to describe it.

But what I am really trying to get at is… I’m ULTIMATELY happy!!!

I clearly remember what the priest has told us in his homily. People’s choices are pretty much affected by what media has to say. Our minds have been corrupted by the standards of media. It has also affected the way we choose our partner in life. We look for someone who has "long, black and silky hair", healthy and buff, someone who’s rich, has a good career, and has a big name in society… all these and other superficial things that will eventually fade in time.

Because of these "substandard standards", we have witnessed weak marriages, easily destroyed by problems and temptations. The priest said, the most important thing in choosing a partner in life is to find someone that you can talk to, someone that you can communicate with.

That homily moved me… bigtime… because I have that person already! Gerald is someone that I can talk to and I can share with him anything in this world. What’s really good about him is…  he’s also someone that I can pray with. I think I’m the luckiest person in this planet because after all the "jerks" that I’ve went out with… I have finally found the right one! I won the Lord’s lottery!

In him I have a friend, lover and soulmate. I know this time I can’t go wrong, he is God sent and I could not ask for more.

I was hooked, the minute the buzzer broke my eardrums I coulndn’t get off the bench. The tension was galvanic. As they toss the ball, grab and push each other, and do their 3 point shot, the energy caused a huge uproar from the crowd. If I was hooked by just watching, I guess the players were electrified during the game.

Honestly, there are so many things in this world that is hard to comprehend even if there is a scientific explanation or none. For instance, basketball and men. Please if there’s someone who would read this blog and can answer my question please do and I’d definitely tell you the secret between women and shoes.

Well, it was a tough game for the boys last night, they were playin it hard as if they were fighting for dear life. Big-shout for them! The ball game was really exciting and I know the boys gave their best. A shitload of energy just to pull off those stunts.

But unfortunately the game didn’t turn out well for their side. Of course in every game someone has to win and someone has to lose. They got the downside of the story. Seeing those big boys rocking the court just a few minutes ago, suddenly turned into crying babies. Some where still ok with it, but some where really disappointed.

I understand that the game wasn’t an easy shot after all, but I was amazed to see how a big guy would transform into a young boy the minute they lost. Not only that, like Gerald, whenever I see him watching a basketball game he’s so absorbed by it that he doesn’t even talk to me.

Well it’s not really a big deal for me, not that I’m jealous or something but I just felt bad that Gerald was upset when they didn’t win. I saw how he played and it was awesome. I really have no idea how to comfort a passionate baller who lost a game. Funny coz I just told him, "don’t worry mahal naman kita eh" (don’t worry, I still love you) and to my surprise the reaction was as blank as a sheet of clean paper. Was that the right way to make a baller feel good after losing a game? I felt bad somehow when I wasn’t able to make a point… and he didn’t even appreciate that I was there no matter what. But I guess that’s just how it is. Disappointing… that is… and if I can’t do anything or say anything to make him feel better, I’ll just remain quiet and just be there.

I guess balls and girls don’t do good together… wait a sec… that doesn’t sound right… ayt? Heheheheh… let me rephrase that. Basketball and girls are… well I really don’t know… it’s up to you guys to finish the sentence. Why don’t we just talk about shoes then! =)

I’m at work today, practically doing nothing, although I have lots of things to do, I can’t bring myself back to working mode. These past few days, I don’t feel motivated at all. Probably because of the repetitive stuff that I do each day plus I’m in the morning shift which is really hard because I’d have to wake up early and go through all the trouble of commuting and of course rush hour.

The only thing that’s keeping me sane these days, is blogging, some friends and our fun conversation and of course Gerald. It feels like I’m not growing and learning from what I do, not to mention the fact that I’m not getting a satifactory pay. Imagine every cut-off, you’d have to dispute the days you were deducted for, because of some negligent people who did not mark your attendance properly when you had your APPROVED vacation leave or sick leave! CRAP! On top of that let’s include the consistent and I guess non-curable "irrate agents" that you’d have to constantly coach and to make things worst, they don’t appreciate your help and would think that what you’re doing is non-sense. Let us not forget the ever frustrating campaign for EOP (English Only Policy). Does anyone religiously follow this anyway?

These things that would just grab me by the soul and drag me around is keeping me from performing well at work. Don’t get me wrong, I love my job and ever since I got here I realized that training career is my passion. But the processes that we have is not that organized, it’s caging me and my desire to learn and I want to break out.

Forgive me for the ranting. I know I have a very cool job. I know these days it’s hard to find a good job and I don’t have the right to make a mountain out of a molehill. But still I am frustrated, but why distress myself with it?

So… as we speak… I’ll just keep on blogging.